Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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