The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
