I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
