I wish I could teleport
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
