He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
