am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
