A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Randomize
