Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
