I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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