I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
