Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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