I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
