yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just invented taco cereal.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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