Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
