My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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