btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
