Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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