On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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