I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
BRING THE BAGELS
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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