is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
