I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
