Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
this just has baby written all over it
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
