I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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