The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
