WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
she smelled like a LAN party
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
