Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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