so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
this will be a night to untag.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
