Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
