you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
