You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
