i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
