my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
