Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
