dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
