I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
then he tried to convert me to islam
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
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