the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
