if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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