If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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