like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
