Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
