It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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