you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
