Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
