It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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