One girl and one boy is just not enough.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
