can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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