Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
