I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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