I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
