he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
