I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
