so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
it's like iHOP with fire
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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