I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
